


「Even If」

by MarySueAtYourService



Category: No Fandom
Genre: Bad Poetry, How Do I Tag, I Blame Tumblr, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, I Don't Even Know, I Tried, I'm Bad At Summaries, I'm Bad At Tagging, I'm Bad At Titles, I'm Going to Hell, I'm Sorry, Poetry, What Have I Done, What Was I Thinking?, Why Did I Write This?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-06
Updated: 2020-01-06
Packaged: 2021-02-27 11:47:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 3,072
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22146661
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MarySueAtYourService/pseuds/MarySueAtYourService
Summary: Even if I say I love you—(writing collection)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> first chapter is my first actual piece. yay. (this is so bad oh god—) ((don't worry it gets better later on?))

even if i say i love you,

you don't even flinch.

even if i touch you,

you never look my way.

even if i call out to you,

you send me not a glance.

but when i say i hate you,

your head jolts up,

you stare at me,

then suddenly,

you find your shoes more interesting...


	2. 「Friends Are Shadows」

i'm tired of listening to how they hate me,

how blind was i to be friends with them

what a fool was i to believe their lies

....and i'm tired of having to wake up, to listen to their words,

talking about how they'd always be there for me when i needed it the most

but in the end,

nobody really ever came.

sitting in silence at the corner of the classroom,

crying, sobbing, 

trying to not make a sound...

even if i did

who would notice?

who would care?

who would go out of their way to talk to me,

to be turned to an outcast,

because of the mistake,

of ever interacting with that loner,

with that monster,

with that abomination that was myself...

to try to ruin the hierarchy,

to try to make the lowest into the accepted,

in a place where,

if you don't follow the crowd,

you'll be lost,

forgotten,

existence forsaken...

cause' in a place like this,

the only people you can confide in,

are the shadows creeping up behind your back.


	3. drowning in a sea of emotion

Love.

An otherworldly word.

It really bothers me so to speak that I found it's seeds growing in me.

My chest was heavy and the smiles I saw on your face really didn't help it become lighter. Your shining eyes, full of joy and happiness enchanted me every day all over again.

Those clear and bright eyes were not on my side. They definitely weren't. I've had to make a fool of myself so many times because of them.

Your face. Those freckles dotting your cheeks. Your messy hair falling into place, defying every notion of self-consciousness.

I was suffocating every day, but you didn't notice. You didn't, did you now? Of course, who would care about someone as introverted as me. You had other people you most likely enjoyed spending time with more then me.

It wasn't like I was longing to talk to you, to have your attention. Not at all.

I'm drowning in a sea of emotion, yet you're too late to pull me out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaa why did I post these ones? i need to get done with this quickly before I die from embarrassment.


	4. a petal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hanahaki.

a petal

for the you that

bothered to look my way

a heart

for the you that

wanted to be my friend

a tear

for the you that

let us grow apart

a jar

full of memories

for the you that

decided i wasn't good enough

a second

for the you that

wished to have time to think

and a flower

for the me that

died from your smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yayayayay back to this trope that I hate but love so much
> 
> at this point it's cliche but yeahhh—


	5. is it love?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> confused.

is it love?

my heart remains the same

beating as it normally would,

calm as the sea.

the only sign i do feel something

is that tightening in my chest,

not what you would think it truly is.

do i like you?

surely i do,

otherwise who would i talk to,

the question is

do i feel strongly about you?

maybe not, maybe yes,

i cannot choose

for i am not your usual talker...

do i love you?

of course i do,

my dearest friend,

is a spot you'll always have.

do i love you in that way?

i am unsure of how to respond,

how would you do?

i have heard something along the lines,

that you'd be interested in me.

but are you any longer?

i do not know,

but,

maybe the butterflies will start fluttering when i see your face...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one came out a little bit off at the end but i guess it turned out nicely? i don't know just kill me


	6. fufilled

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it wasn't a dream.

feelings

hearts

tears

smiles

they only belong to us,

for now...

i don't wanna open my eyes,

just stop time right here, please...

another moment with you

is like an eternity of longing

and it finally came true.

i know,

that you feel the same way...

and i'd die from joy, right now...

your love is all i yearn for

and it's finally coming together for me and you

this bittersweet ending

the happiness that ended 

like a fantasy

can't believe it happened

but it did

i will make sure,

to treasure this,

forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one is actually good tf me
> 
> sweet fluffy and just hope in general
> 
> hope you liked it?


	7. bitter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> angry at oneself.

what am i doing with this life?

"you're living it",

more like wasting it,

while doing nothing all day long,

productiveness gone off

flew out the window,

landed in a sewer,

cause it's so dark in here...

and the people, are rotten...

i'm losin' sight,

and losin' touch...

water brushing against my skin,

so cold...

and the warmth i once knew,

has gone under the rug,

to be lost,

forever gone.

and who would care about me

who would care about the opinion of a single person,

damn it.

who would?

and what am i supposed to do anymore.

my choices are already gone.

left here all alone,

who should i consult?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> back to angst we go.


	8. maybe you'll forgive me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a chance.

i'm sorry for disappointing you,

even though i know you didn't actually say that....

i'm such a damn mess,

and a wreck...

stupid and dumb

wishing things would work out,

wishing i could fix that mistake.

and,

i'm pretty glad you took the time—

to make that simple gesture

that could give me a chance,

but i don't know if i can take that burden

and if i'll find the right words to say...

well,

perhaps for now,

my hope remains the same

fufilled may it be one day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> short but???


	9. a future i don't have

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> what to do.

to be honest,

i don't really care

about anything.

but that's a lie.

to be honest,

it doesn't bother me,

whatever they think and say

just don't leave me on read,

i guess?

and to be really fair with you,

there's a lotta moments when

my motivation completely disappears,

and it happens quite often

then i just quit.

it's pretty hard

tryna get in something and falling in love with it

then just tryna do something with it.

guess most won't understand

cause'

everyone around me,

has dreams and plans for their futures.

i have none of that.

i really envy them 

for being able to talk freely with their friends 

nothing bringing em' down

for being able to live in the moment.

without worrying about their lives.

and,

i guess i'll stay this way forever

cause' change's impossible for a

shallow imitation of a person

like me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaand another one (this is how I feel tbh)


	10. will i—

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> heartbreak and a question

As I lay down to think,

I begin to wonder.

Was it worth it?

Were you worth all my tears?

Were you worth all my time?

Were you worth my heart?

I don't know.

I don't know anything anymore.

I don't know how I'm supposed to feel right now.

I don't know if tomorrow, I'll still see the sun rise, and I'd think I'm still the same.

I don't know if you'll be the same person to me for the rest of my life.

I don't know if I'll look back at these days and wonder how stupid I was.

To fall in love with someone so cruel and heartless.

To fall in love with that you that seemed so kind at the time.

To see you as that angel that fell from the heavens.

So innocent and holy.

"I—"

My eyes are getting wet thinking about this.

I'm too confused to see how I'll even wake up and just look at you.

How can I, without letting a single tear fall down.

How would I without my heart clenching.

How would I without suffocating to a point that I can't be saved.

Will I still be able to love after this?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i don't know how to feel about this one.


	11. Attempt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> after an attempt (or two)

this is a mess.

such a big mess.

the pills on the floor,

the blood on the walls,

reminds me that i am not blessed.

the normal life people hate.

the uniqueness they strive for.

i don't want it,

take it away.

cause' the whiskey bottle on the desk,

really doesn't make me feel like i'm anything but a stray.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> short af but yeah. it isn't necessary to have blood or pills or anything of the sort in this type of scene but i felt like it would fit.
> 
> it's like trying with dying from blood loss, then sleeping pills because it didn't work and then alcohol poisoning but...making it out through it all.
> 
> anyway...
> 
> don't do it, kids. not safe and will never be.


	12. Cotton Candy Skies (unfinished)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Unfinished and will never be because of my phone.
> 
> Here, child. Have some heavy angst.
> 
> Hanahaki AU
> 
> Songfic (?)

_**Cotton candy skies...** _

I look up from where I'm sitting. This was an outdoor class, and I can't say I didn't like it that much. I loved how I could always see that bright light blue.

But now I don't. It feels bittersweet, really.

_**Why can't you be mine...** _

I watched her talk to him again today in the hallway while I was fetching my books. They both looked so happy, she being especially dazzling, that I couldn't help but stare.

Just why can't those smiles be directed at me for once?

_**Always on my mind...** _

I remembered when she saved me. When she became my light in the dark. It was another day of me being made fun of because of my shitty fashion choice, and just for pretty much existing.

They took it too far that time. I could handle the words, my mood could fall but it was nothing that couldn't be endured.

One of them yanked my hair, another going for my throat. Another kid like me helping them punched my eye, leaving a bruise. I was choking at this point.

Some people joined in, my shoes and clothes looking like I just came out of a trash can. My legs and knees were really busted, and I think I would have gone to the hospital if it weren't for her butting in.

She started yelling at them, saying how'd the principal would hear about this sooner or later, making empty threats. They believed those obvious lies, but I was glad they did.

She turned around and lent me her hand, sympathizing with me. It seemed like she was pitying me, but any kind of kindness mattered. Everyone just stood there watching the whole time, but she had that courage to step in and make a change that would effect my whole life.

_**I'm runnin',** _

I am truly running. Running after a fantasy. Something that can never be fufilled. But it's okay. Running after you will be one of the things I will always remember.

_**...running out of time...** _

Couldn't you see? I fell, I fell with those petals. I fell in love with you. I fell in love with someone so cruel yet so kind. I will never be able to live happily ever after. At least my death will be one of the most beautiful endings someone would have seen.

_**Skies aren't always blue...** _

Skies will always be either bloodied by these plants, gray by the pure sadness of this, or flooded by pink from your laugh. It's okay. It's fine. I'll be alright.

_**when I think of you ♥️...** (but I won't)_

Just the sheer thought of you drowns me. It makes me cough so much, I feel like I'm about to die. I know I will. I will die oh so painfully, agonizingly, but oh so laughingly and foolishly as well. I hope that your voice is the last thing I ever hear. That is how much I love you.

_**tryna' make it thru',** _

Hoping, I'm hoping for a lie. I'm hoping for something imaginary to come true. I'm hoping that I can at least tell you how I feel, how I need you. Why is this so one-sided? Why can't you just be a little bit kinder, because I know that if you do, the utter cruelty it will turn into will free me. I'm hoping I survive, I'm hoping that I can maybe still be something to you, even if you don't care about me that much. 

I'm smiling at everyone with a drip of blood going down my mouth. The hallway is quiet. So quiet, I think I might get scared of myself.

Those people who beat me up some months ago? They're looking at me in horror. The crowd that just watched? They're so shocked they can't say a word. You and him who were talking together? You look at me and I feel like I can just understand the words you can't say, "Why...?"...

_**I caught you like the flu'...** _

I did catch you like the flu'. Everything about you is so intoxicating that I can't help but want to indulge into. I caught flowers and petals and blood instead of some other sickness for you. Are you proud of me? Happy? I don't know...

My vision is weakening, my smile is falling, my eyes are getting heavy. I can barely see what's going on now.

_**with my out-streched hands,** _

I see my hands on the floor. I've fallen. Blood has been piled up in a puddle of sorts. There are two flowers in there, with a bouquet of petals around them. I can barely balance myself.

I need to have a pillar of support, but there's none...

_**wish I had a chance...** _

I shakily turn my head up to see you and him calling for help. The school nurse rushes to me, I think, while a boy down the hall is calling the ambulance.

Even in my last moments, I'm being a nuisance....

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okayyy don't kill me please I luv u all


	13. a small moment in time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Calm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> holy sh** this actually is a poem

For a small moment in time

I pause and wonder why

Look at the ceiling and stop thinking

Taking in the realization 

That I'm still alive

And for a small second in time

I finally relax

And search for a way to walk

The peace and the quiet

I find myself to adore

The company of loneliness 

Is right at my door

It gives me comfort

Keeps those sad thoughts at bay

I hope you will feel the same way

Take a deep breath

And relish in the fact that

You're still breathing 

You're still human 

The waves will wash away

All the sorrow and the bad 

The good will come crashing

And will leave you in a trance

Because this place

Is where your heart's supposed to be

And this place

Is where you take the time 

To pause for a moment in life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fluff? like some more chapters and you're back to being dead so enjoy while you can haha


	14. dead

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> you're gone. so stop thinking you're not.

_People ask sometimes. About you. About how you were. I don't particularly mind answering but it takes it's toll on me. It reminds me that you're gone, for good._

_"No I'm not. I'm right here."_

_You aren't. God, you're dead and I can't accept that. So my mind decides to hallucinate. To make me feel like you're still here._

_"What are you talking about?"_

_Stop, just stop so I can take that step towards change and get through with this. Stop messing with my brain and let me be free. I'm trying to change. For you._

_"Change? **You**?"_

_Do you like my image? I've worked hard every day for it. I miss you. I miss you so much it hurts._

_"I can't see any sweat and tears put in it."_

_I hate you. I really do, though you won't believe me-_

_"No, no you don't."_

_I_ _**s** **hould**. I __**should hate you**! But I can't._

_"Why?"_

~~_**Because I love you. I loved you and I still do.** _ ~~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay,before i say this i want to type that this was supposed to be the most recent chapter. 
> 
> i just wrote this and i had to post.
> 
> am sorry


	15. unread texts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sending messages to a dead person

We didn't talk much.

That was certain. 

I still feel inclined to give you something. So, here I am.

I've decided to write to you. To write to a dead person.

Okay. Let's see where this takes us.

It's alright.

* * *

Hey Aidan.

You're gone. At least I think you are.

Your girlfriend (can that girl- no, trash be called that?) told us you uh...

Committed suicide.

I didn't react like I thought I would.

I wasn't shocked to the core. No no, I definitely wasn't. It was more of a...mild surprise, per se. It came out as unexpected yet not very heartbreaking or anything.

It gets scary.

Knowing your profile won't change. It never will. You'll have the same name, same status, same picture as your PFP and it's...uncomfortable. It makes my chest tighten and that is something I don't feel often. Congratulations.

You seemed like such a good guy. Like if we ever had anything to talk about, we'd be VERY good friends. Your grammar and formality online was something rare yet very characteristic and defining so I can say I enjoyed that for one.

One thing I noticed was you vented a lot. You did. But no one responded. I don't think anyone would care, honestly, because a lot of us talk about our feelings and want someone to say something but it's deemed normal and that it's something that we let out our anger and say what is happening to get it off our mind. 

Someone should have. Should have talked to you, should have- Everything.

If it makes you feel better, wherever you are, I read everything you sent. How your girlfriend literally fucked someone behind your back and kept sending you messages about it. How she got caught sucking someone's dick and her dad found them. 

I still don't know why I even bothered to talk a person like her out of it. Out of doing the same thing you did. And getting her some help.

I shouldn't have. I'm so sorry and all.

Because I want you to know about something, whatever it will be that is going down here, and I want you to know not everyone has forgotten you, I'll start talking about my day.

This is becoming like a diary and I hate it. 

But I'll continue.

Today was a very nice day...who am I kidding?

The cold has reached our school building and the heaters need to be turned on at 2 AM to even work. Water reserves are outside, you see, so it's even more worthless.

Only the first and second floors get any warmth. I personally have class in the third, so this froze my hands.

I wonder how you did it.

How you died. How you got the guts.

I'm getting off topic but I just wanna type this out.

At the last moment...did you want to back out? Or was it too late? Maybe you were scared of what would happen if you didn't do it, the consequences that would happen and stick around if you stopped.

Whatever it was, you were very brave, To even carry it out. I don't think I would be able to do it, because I'm scared. Scared of pain. Whatever type it may be.

I'm sorry for not attending your funeral. If you even had one, that is. I can't and couldn't because, hey, I don't know where you live.

Didn't, know where you, lived.

I hope you're having fun wherever the hell you are.

I'll stop this one here. Gonna talk to you later-

Love you,

Sincerely, maybe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is like my venting thingy, actually happened.

**Author's Note:**

> i blame insomnia.
> 
> anyway, heyooo. my first work here?? first time posting this stuff here?? 
> 
> criticism is welcomed but too much and bye to my self-esteem
> 
> i write these randomly so don't expect an update schedule, one mass release and boom we're gone for a while.
> 
> 2am me is a lovely person. can't they just come back when I need to write and then go away? 
> 
> life doesn't always go your way but meh.


End file.
